‘Good vibes only’ and ‘everything happens for a reason’. We are surrounded by these slogans all around us. And to be honest, I wasn’t even aware. The happy and smiling people in commercials, I already ignored for many years, as I know it is not based on reality. We can’t be happy all the time right? Life goes with ups and downs. But this ‘forced’ happiness is also a form of fake reality. There is a word for it: toxic positivity.
Toxic positivity
I recently read the book ‘Toxic positivity’ written by psychotherapist Whitney Goodman. And to be honest, it was an eye-opener. I would definitely advise you to read this book, if you haven’t done it yet. In her book she explains what toxic positivity is and what it can do with our lives.
Toxic positivity can be described as ‘the pressure to stay positive regardless the difficulty of a situation’. Feelings like sadness, anger or fear are not being accepted and replaced by forced optimism. Those feelings get the label ‘negative’, and those are not allowed.
Positive mindset
Of course it’s good to have a positive mindset. But that is something else. A positive mindset is about resilience. You can compare it with the structure of a building. It helps you to face challenges in life.
When you are too positive that it can become toxic, it is about denial. A positive mindset becomes toxic when it is used to silence human suffering. It starts when feelings like pain and sadness are not allowed.
We all do it
Toxic positivity happens often in our lives. We all are doing it, without being aware of the damaging effects. Most of the people have good intentions, but it is better to become aware of what we are saying or doing when people experience difficult periods in their lives.
Some examples
“In one year your life looks completely different”. We all don’t know what will happen in the future. If our life is the same, better or worse.
“Just be grateful”. Gratitude is good, but if people are in difficult situations, like during a job loss, when they are grieving or when they are sick, this is not helping them. It is like you are saying that their feelings of sadness and fear are not allowed.
“There are people who are in a worse situation than where you are in.” There are always people in a worse situation and in a better situation. It doesn’t help when you say this.
Forced happiness
Toxic positivity is a way to avoid reality. You can do this by yourself but it can also be done by others. Forced happiness is a form of avoidance. It makes you suppress your emotions. By doing this, the emotions only become stronger. We can suppress emotions for a long time, that we even forget about them. Like in some cases happen with traumatic experiences. As the easiest way to handle difficulties is to ignore them and to get busy with other distractions in life. But we always carry these emotions with us. It can even cause harm to our bodies.
Emotions are survival tools. They help us to stay safe and connected. Without emotions, we would end up like zombies. Emotions help us to know what we like or dislike, to form deep bonds with others and to set our priorities.
Be aware
Now you have read this blog, try to learn from it and practice in real life. Most of us will experience difficulties like the loss of a loved one, not being accepted (based on gender, skin color, body size etc.), job loss, a disease or heartbreak. Next time, if you meet someone who is in a difficult situation, be aware of the words you use. We want to help others by thinking in solutions, but that is mostly not what we need when we are in deep pain. We can’t even think.
You can help others to support them. Make something to eat, do some groceries, tell them you are there to listen to them if they want to talk, send a message that you are thinking about them and give them a hug and tell them that they are not alone. That’s all they need.
Because they are allowed to feel what they feel, the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ emotions. By allowing and accepting all the feelings, it will help them during their healing process. And everyone is different, some people will never get over something. It is up to you to accept and embrace them how they are. Let everyone follow their own path and give them the space and time they need.
Jane Regina Sauer 